I sit in the dark nursing my little one to sleep. It's the only time that we get to snuggle. She is constantly on the go, rarely sitting still long enough to breast feed during the day. When she does, her hands are in my hair, on my face, pulling at my clothes, and she is turning her head at every sound.
At night, she is all mine. She is snuggled against me in the dark and we sit and rock as she drifts off to sleep.
But I'm not fully present. My mind is elsewhere more I would like to admit.
My mind starts to wander, then race.
When I can lay her down, I need to pack lunches, shower, get things ready for work tomorrow, talk to my husband, write. I am thinking about the day, about tomorrow, about last week and next week, about conversations I need to have, things I need to accomplish.
She does not know this. She lays on my lap and sleeps. I like to think it's one of her favorite times of the day. It's my favorite time with her. And I look down at her and realize I am missing it.
I stare at my little one. I feel the length of her body across my lap. When did she get so big? How much longer will I be able to hold her like this?
Her eyes flutter. She takes a deep breath and turns her head. She's asleep and content. I know that she could lay in my arms and sleep perfectly still for hours.
My heart is torn. I want to stay longer. I need to stay longer.
My mind has been on to other things already.
I am now the one on the go.
Distractions pulling at me, taking away my attention, turning my head.
I stop and stare at her. Tears roll down my cheeks and I try to keep them from reaching her.
Every day I wish that I could be home with her and not at work.
Now I am home with her, holding her, and I have been thinking about so many things other than being there with her.
I shut off my mind, take some deep breaths, and stare at her in the dark a while longer.
Everything else will wait.
I will never get this moment back.
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