I have so many friends getting ready to have their first baby, or who had a baby shortly after I did. This has really got me thinking about motherhood and parenting, especially as they talk to me about their fears and concerns, the same way I talked to my girl friends not that long ago. Here's what I want to share with them and other new moms as I am still learning to be a mom and all the newborn stuff is still fresh in my head.
Becoming a parent is terrifying. There's so much unknown and we feel so unequipped. How will labor go? Will my baby be healthy? Can I handle it if my baby isn't healthy? What if the baby cries all the time? Can I do this??
There are 3 things that did NOT help me:
One - Other People. You know what I mean, "those people." Many other people feel it is necessary to tell you all the terrible things that can happen: horrific pregnancies, traumatic labors, difficulty breast feeding, screaming infants, unruly toddlers. Some of this is well-meaning. Other parents want you to be prepared for what they weren't prepared for, they want you to know how hard it can actually be. And that makes sense. But I believe this kind of advice should come from close friends and family who know you and and know if you actually need to hear it. People who can say "bad things happen sometimes, and it's okay if it's hard." The last thing I needed when I was pregnant was people I barely knew telling me how awful things were for them, or terrible things that happened to someone they knew. Dear Strangers, I know those things were hard for you. But all you are doing is scaring this shit out of new parents. Please stop.
Two - Our Culture. In a culture of consumerism, companies are geared up to scare you in to buying boat loads of baby shit. Have you seen some of this stuff lately? If you do not buy these expensive products, the worst may happen and you may be unprepared. You could have a crying baby and no $500 swing! You could have a hungry baby and no baby-food warmer! And you clearly need a special hat to put on your baby in the bath tub to make sure that water does not get in the baby's eyes when bathing him. When registering for our baby, I argued up and down in the middle of one of the big-name baby stores that I needed a special rubber ducky to tell me if the baby's bath water is too hot. If I check the water for myself, I may scold my child - what an awful parent I would be!! (I do have said duck, and it's my daughter's favorite bath toy. It does not actually work or help me tell how hot the water is). Some of these gadgets are helpful for a time. Our oscillating chair was amazing, because the truth is, sometimes I need to sleep, eat, and shower. So it was convenient those worked for a small amount of time. And I spent about $15 at a consignment store and my baby didn't know the difference.
Three- The Majority of Parenting Books. Writers make a lot of money off of convincing you to listen to them and not your instincts. Baby-book authors have the answers. If you don't listen to their answers, you are a bad parent. Many say baby is to be trained. Crying, not sleeping, erratic schedules, and nursing around the clock are all hard to deal with, and these books tell you how make it stop. What I found is most of these books made me feel bad about myself and made both me and my baby very stressed. Many of these books do more harm than good. She cried, I cried, and we were both happier when I stopped reading those damn books on how to train us in to being happy.
So, the question is - how can being a parent be LESS TERRIFYING?
I'm not telling you there is a secret to making having a new baby not scary. It is scary and it can be very hard. There is a little person coming in to your world (from out of your small vagina) and everything is going to change. Even your vagina is going to be different.
Here's the things that helped me and that I am still learning:
But the best advice I have ever, and will ever, receive is this: TRUST YOURSELF.
Your body knows how to give birth. This doesn't mean there can't or won't be complications, but the more you trust yourself and become you and your baby's advocate, the less scary those things can be. Listen to your doctor or midwife. Trust them and work WITH them, not for them. You are a mother preparing to give birth, not a patient with a medical condition. I've seen so many women shamed and scared by their OB/Gyns! This is NOT normal or okay! Did I have a hospital birth with medical interventions? Yes. And I likely will again. You can birth without fear any way that works for you and your baby.
Your body was made to feed a baby. Listen to yourself and listen to your baby. And, when there's trouble, there's people that can help you. Breast feeding is natural, but it's a learned skill for you and your baby. And our bodies are human and there can be complications. Many of these can be worked through. Some can't, and that's okay. Know when you need help or other ways to feed your baby. Don't shame yourself. Don't let others scare you out of doing what you feel is best for you and your baby, either.
You know what your baby needs. I've found most books tell you that you don't. There are many books out there that teach that your baby needs trained, that she doesn't know what she needs, and she is trying to control you and this has to be stopped. Don't be afraid that she will be spoiled, that she will never sleep through the night, that she will be over fed. Do not be afraid to trust your baby and do not be afraid to trust yourself. You and your baby are fully allowed to need and listen to each other. The thing that helped me most was remembering that my baby is a person, my baby is talking to me, and I am my baby's whole world. And that's okay and right and good.
When you are tired and scared or have questions, use your resources. Do your research and be prepared. I've read several excellent and helpful books. They all started with "here's what we did, take what you want and what works for you." If they don't have that gist, throw them out! I tried the books and listening to other people, and we were unhappy. When you are tired and at your wits end, or you feel like you need some guidance starting out, there are books and people that can help. There are resources that are encouraging and offer gentle suggestions rather than answers and rules. Ask friends, read the books that help (not scare), then throw everything out and do what you need to do.
Each parent and baby are different. And just because so-and-so has raised so many babies and this worked great for them, well it doesn't have to work for you! I won't be offended if you throw out what I am telling you! If it feels wrong in your bones, look for the right thing and do what feels right.
First, do no harm. Then, do the best you can.
Here's some resources that helped (and are still helping) me:
Babywearing International
kellymom: Breast Feeding and Pumping Advice and Support
Psychology Today: Dangers of Cry-it-Out Sleep Training
Aha! Parenting: Newborns
La Leche League International
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