Social Media: My Distracting Frenemey

SOCIAL MEDIA

Enough said, right? What else could a piece about distractions be about these days? The phone that is attached to me all the time. If my phone is in another room - ANXIETY!

Since becoming a parent, Facebook has been my Frenemy! I entered the world of babywearing, and then  found the babywearing Facebook groups, and then the babywearing off-topic groups, natural parenting groups, crunchy mom groups, breastfeeding groups...you see the trend. My sweet Facebook learned quickly what I was reading, and the recommended pages poured in! Suddenly my news feed, which was once just friends (people I actually know in real life), became full of babywearing selfies, useful information, crunchy mommy drama, and articles galore! I knew I had "liked" too many natural parenting pages when "Full Circle Placenta" (how to use your placenta in so many ways) came around. I looked at my own wall and I had become that obnoxious mommy who only posts about mommy things and my baby.

Now, I have learned A LOT from these groups and I think I am a better mom because of social media. There's so much wonderful information out there! I have also started writing again because of some of the pages I have found, specifically some very inspiring bloggers. With social media, communities and knowledge can so easily be found and shared with others. Don't get me wrong, I think this is GREAT thing. The problem is learning to navigate the information and balance my time.

I have also been a less attentive wife and mom because of social media. The problem comes when social media becomes an obsession, when so much time is spent drinking in endless streams of accessible information that we become dependent on that stream. A pause in my life, and I reach for my phone. What am I missing during that pause? Have I lost the ability to just be still for a moment with my thoughts? Life is happening while I am busy being distracted.

Ironically, it was Facebook that led me to the book Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection. Admittedly, I am one chapter in after  2 weeks. The book is broken down in to sections that can be read weekly with a "Weekly Intention." I was disappointed to discover this (I LOVE my quick fixes, and I'm accustomed to fast information!). The first "Weekly Intention" was limiting time with your device. My goal was to not use social media from the time I got home from work until bed time. I got BETTER and more aware about my phone time in the evening in the last two weeks. Since I don't like to do things that I am bad at (and I see not succeeded as failing), I haven't picked up the book again. But, it's TIME. When I realized that I was checking Facebook at stoplights, I knew there was a problem.

So, NEW GOALS (because we can ALWAYS start over)
 

• No social media from the time I get home from work until the next morning. Evening and nights are family time (ya know, to put to work all that helpful stuff I read and share...)
• No phone while in the car

Sounds easy enough, right? Well, now you all know my goals, it has to happen.


Hands Free Pledge

I'm becoming Hands-Free
I want to make memories, not to-do lists.
I want to feel the squeeze of my child's arm, not the pressure of overcommitment.
I want to get lost in conversation with the people I love, not consumed by a sea of unimportant emails.
I want to be overwhelmed by the sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy.
I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter and
gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of cell phones and text messages.
I'm letting go of distraction, disconnection, and perfection
to live a life that simply, so very simply, consists of what
really matters.
I'm becoming Hands Free.

Rachel Macy Stafford, Hands Free Mama

I Am Still a Navy Reservist's Wife

We are a Navy Reserve family- in the middle of Indiana. My husband goes to a base to work with his unit one weekend a month. Two weeks a year he leaves for training. He's a First Class (MM1) and generally has leadership in his unit, so he's actively more involved in the military than his actual time on base. He deploys for a year about every 4 years, and may be called upon in the event of disaster. Last year his orders were unexpectedly cancelled a week before he was supposed to deploy for one year. When that happened, after many difficult months of deployment prep, I was so angry. I was more than angry, I was pissed and felt betrayed. This was very confusing to many people who saw this as a blessing. And in some ways, it was. We did not have to endure a difficult separation. However, we had planned our lives around that deployment. We had adjusted our careers and finances, as well as our relationship and daily life, to gear up for the difficult separation that was to finally bring us a future we wanted. Our orders were cancelled, and we found out we were going to have a baby. Finding out we were pregnant was amazing news. In 24 hours, everything changed. 

I put the Navy out of my mind and threw myself in to the pregnancy. I stopped writing my Navy blog about deployment. I stopped writing completely- despite my husband urging me to continue. I couldn't handle it, I didn't want to. My husband had to leave his job and take a job as an exterminator to make a bit more money to support us. I had to continue working instead of staying home after the birth of our daughter. We were both angry. That's just a part of what was effected. A year and a half later, this change is still effecting us daily. I am still angry at the Navy for how the whole situation was handled. 

My husband is currently gone for his 2 weeks of yearly training (called AT). It's his first AT since the cancelled deployment. I'm reminded again that I am a Navy Reservist's wife. While he works with the military daily and goes on base once a month, my life continues as normal for the most part. This is the big difference between Reserve and Active Duty- at least for us. I have immense respect for all military families, and I'm in awe of Active Duty soldiers and sailors and their families. My relationship with the military usually looks much different than theirs. 

I am married to a man in the military, serving our country. I am proud of him and the work he does. Whether I like it all the time or not, I am connected to the Navy and the Navy gets to make decisions about our lives, about my life. That's part of the deal, that's how this works. In serving the government, sometimes individuals get screwed over. Because it's not about us, it's about the work that the military is tasked to do. Someone has to do it. 

Holding on to my anger at the military anger isn't serving me, or changing anything. Being pissed will not change what the military does, or did. 

My husband is gone right now, and he sees our 8 month old when we Face Time at night. When we Face Time, my husband is wearing one of his brown cotton undershirts that he wears with his green camouflage uniform. He wears those shirts at home every night. Seeing him wear that shirt through a screen when he's gone is somehow very different, it reminds me of what that shirt means. That brown shirt means he wears a uniform. It means he's serving our country. It means one day soon we could be facing a deployment again. The sooner I let go of my anger, and reconnect to the fact that we are a military family, the easier all that will be to accept. 

My Navy Blog / Deployment Prep Information

From One New Mom to Another: Trust Yourself, Not Your Fear

I have so many friends getting ready to have their first baby, or who had a baby shortly after I did. This has really got me thinking about motherhood and parenting, especially as they talk to me about their fears and concerns, the same way I talked to my girl friends not that long ago. Here's what I want to share with them and other new moms as I am still learning to be a mom and all the newborn stuff is still fresh in my head. 





Becoming a parent is terrifying. There's so much unknown and we feel so unequipped. How will labor go? Will my baby be healthy? Can I handle it if my baby isn't healthy? What if the baby cries all the time? Can I do this??


There are 3 things that did NOT help me:


One - Other People. You know what I mean, "those people." Many other people feel it is necessary to tell you all the terrible things that can happen: horrific pregnancies, traumatic labors, difficulty breast feeding, screaming infants, unruly toddlers. Some of this is well-meaning. Other parents want you to be prepared for what they weren't prepared for, they want you to know how hard it can actually be. And that makes sense. But I believe this kind of advice should come from close friends and family who know you and and know if you actually need to hear it. People who can say "bad things happen sometimes, and it's okay if it's hard." The last thing I needed when I was pregnant was people I barely knew telling me how awful things were for them, or terrible things that happened to someone they knew. Dear Strangers,  I know those things were hard for you. But all you are doing is scaring this shit out of new parents. Please stop.


Two - Our Culture. In a culture of consumerism, companies are geared up to scare you in to buying boat loads of baby shit. Have you seen some of this stuff lately? If you do not buy these expensive products, the worst may happen and you may be unprepared. You could have a crying baby and no $500 swing! You could have a hungry baby and no baby-food warmer! And you clearly need a special hat to put on your baby in the bath tub to make sure that water does not get in the baby's eyes when bathing him. When registering for our baby, I argued up and down in the middle of one of the big-name baby stores that I needed a special rubber ducky to tell me if the baby's bath water is too hot. If I check the water for myself, I may scold my child - what an awful parent I would be!! (I do have said duck, and it's my daughter's favorite  bath toy. It does not actually work or help me tell how hot the water is). Some of these gadgets are helpful for a time. Our oscillating chair was amazing, because the truth is, sometimes I need to sleep, eat, and shower. So it was convenient those worked for a small amount of time. And I spent about $15 at a consignment store and my baby didn't know the difference.


Three- The Majority of Parenting Books. Writers make a lot of money off of convincing you to listen to them and not your instincts. Baby-book authors have the answers. If you don't listen to their answers, you are a bad parent. Many say baby is to be trained. Crying, not sleeping, erratic schedules, and nursing around the clock are all hard to deal with, and these books tell you how make it stop. What I found is most of these books made me feel bad about myself and made both me and my baby very stressed. Many of these books do more harm than good. She cried, I cried, and we were both happier when I stopped reading those damn books on how to train us in to being happy. 


So, the question is - how can being a parent be LESS TERRIFYING? 

I'm not telling you there is a secret to making having a new baby not scary. It is scary and it can be very hard. There is a little person coming in to your world (from out of your small vagina) and everything is going to change. Even your vagina is going to be different.


Here's the things that helped me and that I am still learning:


But the best advice I have ever, and will ever, receive is this: TRUST YOURSELF.

Your body knows how to give birth. This doesn't mean there can't or won't be complications, but the more you trust yourself and become you and your baby's advocate, the less scary those things can be. Listen to your doctor or midwife. Trust them and work WITH them, not for them. You are a mother preparing to give birth, not a patient with a medical condition. I've seen so many women shamed and scared by their OB/Gyns! This is NOT normal or okay! Did I have a hospital birth with medical interventions? Yes. And I likely will again. You can birth without fear any way that works for you and your baby.

Your body was made to feed a baby. Listen to yourself and listen to your baby. And, when there's trouble, there's people that can help you. Breast feeding is natural, but it's a learned skill for you and your baby. And our bodies are human and there can be complications. Many of these can be worked through. Some can't, and that's okay. Know when you need help or other ways to feed your baby. Don't shame yourself. Don't let others scare you out of doing what you feel is best for you and your baby, either.

You know what your baby needs. I've found most books tell you that you don't. There are many books out there that teach that your baby needs trained, that she doesn't know what she needs, and she is trying to control you and this has to be stopped.  Don't be afraid that she will be spoiled, that she will never sleep through the night, that she will be over fed. Do not be afraid to trust your baby and do not be afraid to trust yourself. You and your baby are fully allowed to need and listen to each other. The thing that helped me most was remembering that my baby is a person, my baby is talking to me, and I am my baby's whole world. And that's okay and right and good. 

When you are tired and scared or have questions, use your resources. Do your research and be prepared. I've read several excellent and helpful books. They all started with "here's what we did, take what you want and what works for you." If they don't have that gist, throw them out! I tried the books and listening to other people, and we were unhappy. When you are tired and at your wits end, or you feel like you need some guidance starting out, there are books and people that can help. There are resources that are encouraging and offer gentle suggestions rather than answers and rules. Ask friends, read the books that help (not scare), then throw everything out and do what you need to do. 

Each parent and baby are different. And just because so-and-so has raised so many babies and this worked great for them, well it doesn't have to work for you! I won't be offended if you throw out what I am telling you!  If it feels wrong in your bones, look for the right thing and do what feels right. 

First, do no harm. Then, do the best you can.




Here's some resources that helped (and are still helping) me: 

Babywearing International
kellymom: Breast Feeding and Pumping Advice and Support
Psychology Today: Dangers of Cry-it-Out Sleep Training
Aha! Parenting: Newborns
La Leche League International

I Will Never Get This Moment Back

In making a goal to live more presently and be more connected, I'm making a goal not only to shut off devices for periodic times, but to shut off my mind.

I sit in the dark nursing my little one to sleep. It's the only time that we get to snuggle. She is constantly on the go, rarely sitting still long enough to breast feed during the day. When she does, her hands are in my hair, on my face, pulling at my clothes, and she is turning her head at every sound.
At night, she is all mine. She is snuggled against me in the dark and we sit and rock as she drifts off to sleep.
But I'm not fully present. My mind is elsewhere more I would like to admit.
My mind starts to wander, then race.
When I can lay her down, I need to pack lunches, shower, get things ready for work tomorrow, talk to my husband, write. I am thinking about the day, about tomorrow, about last week and next week, about conversations I need to have, things I need to accomplish.
She does not know this. She lays on my lap and sleeps. I like to think it's one of her favorite times of the day. It's my favorite time with her.  And I look down at her and realize I am missing it.
I stare at my little one. I feel the length of her body across my lap. When did she get so big? How much longer will I be able to hold her like this?
Her eyes flutter. She takes a deep breath and turns her head. She's asleep and content. I know that she could lay in my arms and sleep perfectly still for hours.
My heart is torn. I want to stay longer. I need to stay longer.
My mind has been on to other things already.
I am now the one on the go.
Distractions pulling at me, taking away my attention, turning my head.
I stop and stare at her. Tears roll down my cheeks and I try to keep them from reaching her.
Every day I wish that I could be home with her and not at work.
Now I am home with her, holding her, and I have been thinking about so many things other than being there with her.
I shut off my mind, take some deep breaths, and stare at her in the dark a while longer.
Everything else will wait.
I will never get this moment back.

Shame and Grace: You're Doing a Good Job

There are 5 pairs of nail clippers in our house,
I have lost 4 of them.
My husband has hidden the fifth pair to keep for himself. 
He will not let me use them. 
I have used other people's nail clippers. 
Tonight, I trimmed my toenails with the baby's tiny nail clippers.

I make my husband's lunch every night. 
I always put a note in for him. 
Yesterday, I found out that on several occasions, 
I have accidentally fed my husband wax paper. 
I did not get the "cheese separating paper" off the cheese when I made his sandwich - multiple times. 

I will not admit how many days in a row I have chosen sleep over a shower. 
Let's just say I should buy stock in dry shampoo. 

Sometimes, I look at other moms at the park or library or wherever and wonder how on earth they do it. How are they so fit? I haven't really worked out since before I was pregnant (so, over a year...). How do they look so put together? Are they using a better dry shampoo?  I'm also usually jealous that they don't have to work and have time to do lovely things like go to the gym or the pumpkin patch in the middle of the week. I once overheard a mom talking to another mom about how she gets up at 4am every day to make lunches, train for a marathon, and clean a bathroom if she has "extra time." I was too busy being concerned for her mental health to feel bad about myself that time. 

Women are so quick to compare themselves to other women. It's a sad product of our culture, and one in which women always lose.  I feel mothers can be WORSE about this. I compare myself to other moms, and I judge other moms. I also assume that I am being judged. We are quick to "mother-shame" ourselves and others. I see so much of this in the "crunchy mom" community and I find myself falling in to that trap often. It's difficult to remember that EVERYONE'S situation is different. But that's just it. Everyone's situation is different. When I see a mom standing there drinking her latte while her child has a meltdown, I assume she is being ridiculous. Maybe she has consoled her child through 15 meltdowns that day, and for her sanity, she just needs to drink a latte and wait THIS tantrum out. I know that when my child is having a melt down, I would love if it if someone handed me a latte and said "it's okay, you really are doing a good job." 

And THIS is my situation, and I'm doing the best I can. 
I go days without showering because that extra 15 minutes of sleep is needed for me in order to be able to spend another night up consoling a fussy 8 month old. 
I feed my husband wax paper sometimes. 
But I make his lunch, and he's said my notes make his whole day better,
even if they come with an oddly chewy sandwich. 
I have no good reason for loosing all the nail clippers. 
I loose things, and that's just who I am. 
I'm doing a good job most of the time. 

9 Steps to Being the Best Person Ever with a Grossly Perfect Family

We've all seen the articles - and I read them ALL the time. "7 Steps to Simplify Your Life," "5 Days to an Organized Home," "12 Ways to Live Better Today," and  "2 Easy Steps to Get Your Colicky Baby Who Nurses All Night and Sleeps In Your Bed to Sleep Independently Without Ever Waking Up At Night Again, Ever." Oh, they are so appealing and all sound so easy - then I feel like an expert. I read those and think "Yes! I can do this! It's so easy! My life will be better in 9 EASY STEPS!!" 

For me, one reason these articles are so appealing is the need for instant gratification. I do not have TIME to follow more than a few steps. I'm too busy/stressed/TIRED to handle more than that. So please, Mommy Gurus, give it to me in a few digestible chunks and I can feel like Super Mommy. I can tell all my friends my magical secrets I read online. Until it all falls apart. Because none of it is that simple or that fixable, at least not for me. I even had difficulty with "How To De-Seed a Pomegranate in Under 2 Minutes." Twenty minutes later, pomegranate was everywhere and my kitchen looked like a murder scene. 

The other reason the "simple steps to being a better mom/wife/person" articles are appealing to me is that I have NEVER been more challenged as a person since having a baby. PLEASE tell me how I can make this easier in a few steps! In one moment, I feel like an Amazing Woman. I have the ability and endurance to spend all night soothing a crying baby who wants no one but me, and then I can get up and go to work in the morning. In the next moment, I feel like a Controlling Bitch Queen as my husband and I have yet another fight about Baby Led Weaning as my 7 month old hacks up a chunk of banana and I refuse to do it any differently. By 10pm the baby is finally in bed and I collapse on the couch and bury myself in Facebook (to read more helpful articles and look at all my friends happy little families) because I simply cannot handle another person needing me. Then, the baby wakes up and we start again.

After (another) particularly challenging week this week, I finally picked up the book Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters by Rachel Macy Stafford. It's been sitting on the end table for a couple of months now, so I figure it's time to give it a shot. It seems like a challenge, but it's just one simple book to give me some useful tools and POOF!, I can be and do better...WRONG... Much to my dismay, this book is intended to take ONE YEAR to work through with WEEKLY INTENTIONS. What?? I cannot be the Master of "Letting go and burning to-do lists and blah blah blah" in just the amount of time it takes me to read this book? I have things about myself and my life to work on DAILY? 

In the big picture, this makes sense. Of course this is the case. If I really want to change things about myself and my life, I have to do the work, every day. I have to be intentional, notice my behaviors, and make an effort to change my outlook. This is not my "quick fix" that I love, and that always fails me in the long run. This is not a little check list of things I can mark off and say "look what I did!" Nope, changing is a daily effort and I am going to mess up A LOT and start over even more. By no means am I saying that I am an awful person and I need to do an overhaul of my entire life. I am a generally happy person. But, being a mom has brought out the best and the worst in me. And I want to be a kind, present, attentive and supportive mom, wife, and person. I am already those things, but not as much or as often as I want to be. Too often I am distracted, stressed, tired, controlling, and obsessive. I refuse to accept that this is simply "being a mom." For me, I want it to be and "adjustment period" and "learning process." I want the experiences of motherhood, marriage, and work to smooth out my rough edges and make me in to a softer, kinder, more whole person. I'm happy to report that I am already struggling with this week's "Weekly Intention" and I am trying again today. 

Finding Beauty in the Mess

I'm starting a new blog. I'm writing again for the first time in over a year. I'm not sure what is going to come out of me, and that's always freaking awesome place to start (this is when a "sarcasm font" would be handy). But, seeing as the purpose of this blog is VULNERABILITY, I can promise messiness. (The original title of this blog post was "Hello, I'm Scared of This Blog"). I'm going to write brave, and I'm going to write kind. 

My last blog was titled "Reservation for One" and chronicled the difficulty of deployment prep as a Navy Reservist couple. 5 days before my husband was supposed to leave for Afghanistan, his orders were cancelled. Our world was left in pieces. We had also been struggling with trying to have a baby, and the day before our orders were cancelled, we found out we were pregnant. Everything we knew to be true was shattered. My husband not deploying was not the blessing our friends and family believed it to be. Our finances and lives had been arranged around this deployment, as well as my husband's military career. He had to find a new job and a new means of dealing with the finances the deployment was supposed to take care of. The blessing was our daughter, Isabelle. I was incredibly grateful to not have to deal with a pregnancy without my husband, and I'm so glad he was there for her birth. She has been the light in our lives. 

This blog is titled "Our Messy Life" because MESSY is what life has been for my husband and I since we have been together (to be fair, our lives were hardly neat and tidy BEFORE that!). Starting this blog was prompted by a particularly shitty week where I had to hear and deal with a lot of things that I didn't want to. That has been pretty much the state of things since becoming a parent (or since getting married, or since becoming an adult, or since college...or since I was five..). Marriage, life, finances, family, parenting...it's all a giant, difficult, beautiful, exciting, scary, fun, messy mess. But, from what I can tell, we aren't the only ones with a messy life. Blogging forces me to DEAL WITH things, and EXPLORE the fun and not so fun parts of being an adult in this life. And maybe some of you are dealing with the same things too. I'm going to take a wild guess and say you are.

I'm also beginning a journey - letting go of perfection. I'm working my way through the book Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do Lists, and Letting Go of Perfection. This book is supposed to take 1 year to complete with weekly challenges. Sounds like fun, huh? Really, I NEED to learn to be PRESENT AND CONNECTED. For me, this not only means letting go of lists, perfection and technology, but also obsessive and self-centered thinking. Oh, and control. In case you didn't know this, "control freaks" (as I have been called more than once) are terrified of anything that may lead them to LOSE CONTROL. Why on earth would anyone WANT that??? Being connected and present, and letting go of control, can lead to amazing and wonderful discoveries. Life is happening in the mess. There are moments that I have missed, and moments I don't want to miss. I'm hoping to let go of what I don't need in order to find what I do need. 

So welcome - I'm going to share my life as a mom, a wife, and my journey away from perfection and into connectedness. I'm going to share our parenting choices, experiences, daily life, and maybe even some delicious brownie recipes (but since I suck at baking, you might want to skip those posts). Who knows. I can promise, it will be full of MESS and HONESTY and BEAUTY and HOPE.